Click here to search commentonline

The Grouch - November 06

Escalating costs of maintenance, general wear and tear and, of course, the cost of  repairs to vandalised fittings, plus the removal of the less artistic graffitti,  is a serious problem. Reely, the spelling of this young generation is abbisemall. But I suppose they have to practice their poetic skills somewhere.  You may not be prepared to admit, in civilised company, that you too, may have added to the wall scribblings in such temples of contemplation, at some time in your early life.

But I digress. The  financial problems in keeping these essential building up and running are putting added strain on the Community Tax system.  The easy option is just to close them all down, and this has been proposed in the past by  officials who enjoy only the best in heated and even carpeted luxury comfort rooms at central office.

Or, we could persuade the business people in any town or village to pay extra tax  towards the upkeep. But surely we all pay our taxes to have basic amenities provided, and there are few more basic than public toilets.  So, what are the options? Close them all down, tart them all up again for the umpteenth time this year or, lock them all up after dark and hope that those in need have good bladder and anal control. If they don’t, then we all have a problem!

Pitlochry has rather a nice comfort palace, well lit, well situated, clean and even inviting. There is a modest fee but the lady in charge takes our coins with a smile. Is that the answer? To make all public toilets fee paying? It would certainly be one way to deter the sad wee laddies with frustrated artistic talents and very odd personal habits, but it would mean limited opening hours for the rest of us and, of course, most digestive systems tend to keep irregular hours.

Many of the older public toilets are large, cold, damp and very empty, with seven or eight cubicles and standing room for a regiment - altogether unnecessary.  As a keen observer, I have never once seen such  a place actually  full with clients, certainly not the Aberfeldy Loo.  Even on that hot day when  the braw lads of the Black Watch Regiment marched through the town and later needed liquid refreshment. 

So why not reduce the size to just two cubicles, with perhaps three of the other kind, you know, the ceramic bowl or stainless steel type - I don’t quite know how to delicately describe those functional fittings but the French have the very word - Pissoires!  By cutting down on the number of units and floor space, the loos would becomes less costly to build and maintain and less desirable to hang about in, as some are wont to do.

The real answer of course is to lie in wait with hidden CCTV cameras, catch the vandals as they smash the hand basins, foul the floors and pull the doors off hinges.  Catch them at it, march them down to the nick, in public and in handcuffs, call their parents to collect them from the cells but only after payment of a very substantial fine, re-payable in part only, after the child has done a daily stint as the lavatory cleaner - for at least one month - and  no time off for good behaviour. 

As a lavatory attendant of some years and experience, I volunteer to be the “inspector of bogs” on these occasions and, having been a very good attendant in my time, there would be no slapdash on my patch! Sweet smelling walls and fittings, fully serviced with scented paper and hand tissues, floors you could eat your dinner off.  Only very best practice would do on my patch!

While lamenting the standard of literacy among the local youths, I must make one exception. It is a well  crafted comment about some in our local community.  It’s  prominently penned on a freshly painted door, in the last cubicle on the right  in the ‘Feldy Loo. It simply says what many of us think, about  the lads who spend their sad days hanging about the town square.

Alex Peake