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Hoots & Havers - September 06

I mentioned last month the surprising discovery of photographs of various very long dead relatives of no particular note on the web. I didn’t mention the oddest find of all. This was great-great uncle Henry (pictured below with bowler) who was a famous divine in his day and a pillar of all things Good and Victorian. He went to his Maker in 1897. But he re-appeared in Houston, Texas in 1964, since when he has been working as the Spirit Guide for ‘America’s most versatile medium’ – and been writing books through him.

This was too interesting a phenomenon to let lie and so I wrote to the medium, originally with a view to discovering who was the recipient of Henry’s share of the book royalties and to assuage a mild degree of outrage at this exploitation of his shade. I received a reply a few days ago.

I have to confess that I am not a believer in such things, although it seems no less rational than any other dogma, but my initial desire to be indignant crumbled in the face of the medium’s manifest sincerity and the fact that he ‘will soon join Henry in the Great Beyond’

The medium, Vern, and his wife once did a tour of Scotland, doing their thing in churches and halls, and visited Stirling to see Uncle Henry’s old haunts. They went to what they were told was the home of his childhood, which had become an office administering an orphanage. Although I haven’t the heart to tell Vern, something went amiss. Perhaps they were directed to the wrong place because it’s a private house and always has been.

Anyway Mr & Mrs Vern were shown round the building, and then Henry turned up to pose for Mrs Vern, but Vern (pictured here) missed him as he was chatting up the gardener at the time. Vern was rather cross since he’s never actually managed to see Henry because he’s always in a trance when Henry shows up and ‘transfigures’ on Vern’s face – which sounds a mildly unpleasant thing to do.

I shall continue some sort of correspondence with Vern because he wants it and he’s clearly rather a pet, but I’m not so sure that I’ll be writing to Uncle Henry even though I had a separate letter from him - ‘To my Great Great Nephew James...It is so nice of you to remember me, your grand uncle...’  It wasn’t that exciting a letter – he didn’t tell me where he’d buried the family silver or anything like that - but he did say that being dead was really rather fun and better than being alive. He was also frightfully busy but had taken time out to visit me although I won’t have noticed. And he would be happy to answer any questions that I might choose to put to him.

I can’t think of any just at the moment, but something may come to me.

 * * * * *

I’m in the process of switching everything – phone, power, net connection, building society and anything else I can think of. It’s a desperately dull business but will apparently save money.

    It’s an unfortunate truth that anything to do with money and accounts is dull and sterile. Granted the crinkly stuff allows you to do things and possess things that are otherwise not on the agenda, but the substance itself and the gyrations you have to do to keep it in order are very tedious – as are the jobs of the people who herd it and try to take bits of it from you for doing so. And as for the forms you have to fill in about it. If only the first transaction had been paid for with a kiss rather than a lump of silver or gold, economics would have developed very differently and life would be so much more pleasant. Perhaps now you could buy a car in exchange for a good shag rather than dosh.

By using my computer to switch, I see I am just fitting into the stereotype. ‘Households in Britain can be classified into 23 “e-types” depending on their access to technology, say researchers.’  And for our postcode I should ‘take a rational and considered view of electronic communications and technologies. These people are not interested in mobile phones, texting or the Internet as lifestyle accessories; they  use the Internet to search for information, to buy products and to undertake transactions where there are obvious efficiency benefits. Many of these people live in the countryside and beyond the reach of cable television services. These people do not tend to use computers for playing games or as a form of leisure activity. These people treat the computer as a tool rather than as an end in itself.’

I can’t disagree with any of this. I see the citizens of Crieff fit in the same box. However those from Pitlochry differ ‘This Group tends to use the Internet to provide access to music, games and general entertainment. People in this Group are smart enough to learn new methods of accessing what they want but they are not necessarily interested in technology for its own sake. Members of this Group are found among areas of cheaper owner occupied housing, particularly in neighbourhoods with high proportions of households with children.  This Type comprises many younger and middle-aged men who particularly rely upon the Internet to buy music, books and videos. They are also active Internet purchasers of computer games and of fashion wear.’ I suspect it’s all bollocks, but I suppose needy folk can make a living from dreaming up this sort of thing.