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Brown's Around - June 2008

More Lines from a Songwriter’s Forehead

Regular readers of this column - greetings to you both - will know that when it comes to the wonderful world of entertainment I like to keep my finger on the pulse, or some other vegetable.

This month, I had intended to have you in convulsions with my witty asides on the Eurovision Song Contest, the final of Britain’s Got Talent and the prospects for a new series of Pop Idol, but two factors have held me back. Firstly, I haven‘t seen any of these programmes and secondly, my computer was offline for a period of twelve days last month.

It all came about when I upgraded my account with my Internet Service Provider. Now, for the Luddites out there, this is the company which allows me, for a consideration, to receive electronic communications from people I have never met and, if I never did meet them it would still be too soon. They offer me genuine Rolex watch imitations, pick-me-ups for various parts of the body, and hitherto dormant claims to kingdoms in Africa.

But they also offer me unlimited access to the greatest reference source of them all - the World Wide Web, without which this column might even stray into the realms of boredom. No! I hear you cry, or was it the wind?

Anyway, it transpires that my upgraded account was registered in the name of another Mr Brown. This is incredible; it’s not as if it’s a common name. But somewhere in the civilized world, or possibly even in Perthshire, the other Mr Brown was reaping what I had sown, in a manner of speaking. It’s a pity he couldn’t have written this column, I hear you add.

The net - or lack of net - result was that when the fault was diagnosed and normality restored, thanks to my local help desk technician Jude, who is based in a call centre in Durban, South Africa, there were 566 emails awaiting my urgent attention.

Now that I’m back up to speed, and, what’s more, I see I’ve just been offered the post of Financial Comptroller of the People’s Republic of West Munrovia-by-the-Niger, here‘s a few nuggets from this entertainer’s goldmine of gigs over the past few months.

At a hotel between Perth and Dundee it was ceilidh band time for my first ever civil partnership ‘wedding‘. There were two ‘brides’, one of whom wore a white wedding dress and the other wore morning suit and a top hat. And which dance did they ask for specifically to begin their new life? Got it in one: the Gay Gordons. Incidentally, if you remember Barbra Streisand’s song in Funny Girl when she marries Omar Sharif, this was the only other occasion I’ve seen where the groom was lovelier than the bride.

A local restaurant was the scene of a magical event. I was facing the diners with my back to the picture window which overlooks Loch Tay when I sensed that I didn’t have their undivided attention. It was the shouts of “Get out the way,“ which made me suspicious. On turning round I saw the reason for the excitement as two ospreys dived into the loch in pursuit of their seafood diet.

And finally, next time you’re in the castle where I do my “This is Scotland … and You’re Welcome To It” show, have a look at the Visitors’ Book. There is an enthusiastic entry from a couple who had visited from Ireland. Now, I know you’re thinking this is going to be an ethnic joke … and you’re quite correct. But as a Scot, I am a member of one of the most ethnically stereotyped races ever, so I can only quote what is written in the book. It says “A once in a lifetime experience. Hope it will be the first of many.“

I rest my case. I’ve got emails to answer.

Alan Brown presents THE BROADBAND ARCHIVE, a celebration of popular music and song each Sunday on Heartland FM from 1-3 pm

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